This is the point at which you hide your children and turn away...

Today has been a rough emotional day to say the least. I've shed very little tears but I feel as though my mood and ability to deal with things is limited. I recall I went through this stage before his last surgery when he was 9 months old. So as the title implies if you are only here to read the updates about Marcelo's progress you might not quite get why I am saying what I say. If you, in fact, care to stay during the whole rant, feel free. My hopes of today's blog would be simply catharsis.

So I'm angry, let's not beat around the bush here. In less than 6 days I am going to watch my precious little baby be carried down a long hallway by strangers and I, ma'dam control, will have to give up total control. When I sit on the couch as he watches tv in his favorite little spot, bent over the padded leather coffee table hands propping up his head via his cheeks, I think to myself how on earth can this be fair? Then I reassure my self that life is certainly not fair and it angers me more.

I think over the past (almost) four years I have given up the constant beating myself up and blame game of what I did to cause my baby to suffer but it has been replaced, I believe, with a deeper sense of wonder. Like why does this occur at all? I have never said, "why us?" For that would be silly, of course MANY MANY people in the world suffer, some far more than Marcelo. I have questioned so many other things that there are too many to list but those of you who know, just know.

A deep sense of - this is going to all come out ok and he will be "normal" - seems to maintain the biggest portion of my thoughts, it's that little nagging pestilent villain that leads my thoughts into the abyss and this is also something I can't stop doing. As if my mind wanders at the sound of a certain song or smell without my knowing and then the thoughts pop in unwarranted to make me INSANE!!!

A little while ago I cut his hair. His bangs were getting so long he could barely see. I had to layer the back a little too. When it gets too long in the back it mats easy into tiny dreadlocks and he cries when I have to comb them out, especially if Daddy forgets to put conditioner in when he bathes him. Plus being in a hospital bed will likely do a number on the back so hopefully with the layers he won't have so many dreads to remove later. While I was cleaning up the hair, I without thinking, gathered all the pieces I could and put them into a plastic bag and saved them away in a drawer. It's moments like that which get to me. When I find myself doing irrational but totally rational things at the same time then the butterflies start swarming and I can't shake the bad. I know, I know I can't think that way but it's emotions which have the best of me, forcing me to hoard and nest and all those things the Mama squirrel is meant to do.

At this point we are finishing day 6 of total lock-down quarantine, Luciano has been home from school, I've greatly limited my workload doing as much as I can from home and Edgard is the only one still out among the general population at work. For the past 3 weeks I've cooked basically every breakfast, lunch, and dinner and we've had no weekends out of this home. By now we are all a little bit (or a lot really) feeling the cabin fever. The boys fight non-stop. Marcelo screaming and Luciano teasing him to the point of screaming, each finding unique things to tattle on the other. Quite tiring as I'm sure you can fathom. However, necessary for no one can say that Rana Manzi doesn't give her all when a germ free environment is essential. I guess I can say I'm proud of myself that it has been completely chemical free (yay bonus for non-toxic Mama)!!

And so I can come to an end if this blog for tonight relishing in the thought that my words were not as bitter and angry as I thought when I began. For that I am grateful. As we enter into this month of Thankful thoughts I encourage you to hug your children and family tonight and be thankful, really thankful for what you have. I know I am!!!